The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkes, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkes shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkes said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkes. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkes demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow "
===
A Farmer entered the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
He said, "this is the pig I have to make love to when you aren't interested in sex".
His wife said, " I think you'll find that's a sheep"
The Farmer said "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"
===
Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased,? she said.
?I'm sure you're right," replied Sandy, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Sandy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Sandy computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how Big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
====
A big burly guy marries a cute little blonde gal and on their honeymoon, he tells her to put on his pants. She puts them on and the waistband is way out there. She says? I can?t wear these!? He says, ?That?s right. Just remember, I wear the pants in this marriage!? Then she throws her pants at him and tells him to put them on. He tries to squeeze into them and says ?I can?t get into these!? She says. ?That?s right. And you won?t until you change that attitude?.
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